My Unfocused Life

I don’t consider the health care bill passed by the house to be a success. Fuck you Nancy Pelosi for letting this go through.

I am registering as an independent.

This was once my favorite time of year. Not the cold winter part of the season, but the time between Hannuka and Christmas, and my birthday. It was a great sequence of events. First, the 8 days of Hannuka where my siblings and I would get a present every evening. Next, we would to downtown Pittsburgh and visit the animated displays in the windows of Kauffman’s department store. Then I would have a 30 day reprieve from excitement, only to resume the first week of February.

This year I will be having a milestone birthday. It will be the final one in my forties as I make the long march towards old age. I never remember the feeling of entering a new decade, but have strong feelings as I leave one. It has to do with retrospection. When I reach the end, I try to evaluation how well I spend the past 10 years. Did I leave my mark on society and improve my own life, or did I fritter it away on mindless rote.

The past 10 years have been well spent. I grew and peaked in my career, and spent much of them on personal growth. I finally started addressing my obstacles and working towards my own personal goals. While my marriage did not survive these changes, I grew closer to my ex-wife and developed a strong and enduring friendship. We left behind our joint life, and became family. She is the sister I always wanted, but never really had. The one person in life, besides my girlfriend, who watches out for my best interests despite of my shortcomings.

My forties also gave me the opportunity to explore my own ideas and love and relationship. I spent their final three (3) years meeting new women and discovering my own wants, needs, and expectations from a love. I also discovered that when given the opportunity I am a loving, and caring lover. These discoveries lead me to my current relationship with my girlfriend, which is everything I ever wanted from someone else.

I don’t know what the fifties will bring, but I have another year to try and sort that out. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy this year’s birthday. It is a celebration of my persistence and perseverance, and my own appreciation for the human spirit.

Today is Monday, the day after New Years. I want to wish everyone a wonderful 2006. May all your favorite wishes come true.

I noticed that the trend this year for bloggers is to post your New Year’s resolutions in your blog and announce them to the world. I have never, ever, ever made New Year’s resolutions and I am not about to start now. Maybe I will make a resolution to make a resolution next year, but that is as far as I am going to go.

I am very tired today ‘cuz I didn’t get much sleep last night. My girlfriend’s son wanted to come home early from his visit with his father in New Jersey, butwas unable to get a seat on the Acelera train from New York. So he did the next best thing and booked a seat on the New York to Boston Greyhound bus. He was expected to arrive at 10pm ensuring us an early visit by the sandman. Unfortunately, the night didn’t work out that way. His bus broke down two hours outside of New York and he sat by the side of the road for 3 hours while Greyhound tried to figure out how they were going to get everyone home. I know that bus travel isn’t rocket science, but it does take time to find another bus and then move it to the right roadside stop. Eventually he arrived in Boston at 1:00am and after a short wait and Taxi ride he made it home at 1:26am.

Now I realize that I may sound a little snobby, but outside of a junior high school trip to Washington DC, summer camp, and weekly school ski trips from Pittsburgh to Somerset PA, I have never taken a intercity bus. I have taken trains and plane and experienced my share of travel delays due to faulty equipment. Once I was even on an aircraft that suffered a malfunction in the air and almost made an rough emergency landing. However, the one constant aboutall my plane and train travel is that I have never been stuck outside on the side of the road waiting for my next ride. I am pretty positive I am not going to give anyone a chance to make that nightmare a reality. As great as the $30 roundtrip bus fare to New York sounds, I’ll stick to the Delta shuttle or Amtrak Acelera train. If the Acelera breaks down, at least I’ll have power for my laptop, a bar car, and the Internet. Think of the postings I could make drunk from the train. Kinda like drunk dialing, only bigger.

Sometimes life gives you unexpected surprises that both pleasant and dismay at the same time. Our trip to Lisbon was wonderful. The weather was wetter than we anticipated, but still warm and sunny most of the time. Showers never seem to last longer than half and hour and quickly give way to sunshine. Lisbon is a beautiful city with a lot of history and culture. While much of the city was destroyed in fires and earthquakes, many of the original buildings remain. Some of the more historical buildings have been restored and renovated, but many still bear the marks of age and trauma.

What dismayed us was that amount of graffiti that covers much of the city and suburbs. Everywhere we went both new and historical buildings were covered with the words of teen angst and disenfranchised youth. It was everywhere; in tourist areas, the subway, and on the sides of builds in the cities most prestigious shopping streets. Unlike other European cities that have been rebuilt and gentrified, Lisbon has retained much of its an old world charm. It’s ashame that charm is covered in spray paint.

Everything produced in Portugal and sold locally was inexpensive. This included leather goods, food, and wine. Restaurants offered dinner entrees at prices ranging from 7 to 25 Euros. Portions are very large and too much for a single person. We typically ordered one dinner and shared it between the two of us. Even when split in half and served for two, the dinner was too much for us to finish. If we were back in Boston, a quarter of what we ordered would have made it back home in a doggy bag. A portion is twice what is served in an American restaurant. With wine, dessert, and after dinner port, we did not spend more than 45 Euros for a complete meal. On most nights we didn’t spend more than 35 Euros. The food was very good, often grilled and consisted of mostly fresh fish and high quality meats. We tried Portuguese stews and salt cod. Both were delicious.

The subway system was amazing and rivaled the Metro in Washington DC or Paris. Except for Graffiti, it was clean, modern, on time, and quiet. For a country with a weak economy and low wages, they had an excellent infrastructure. I wonder what Boston would be like if our Portuguese decedents ran the city instead of the those from the British isles. We might have a subway system that people actually wanted to use.

I am including pictures many of the sites we visited. Many of these sites are from monuments and plazas in the city’s center. Others are from historic sites such as museums and palaces. I hope you enjoy them.

The following is a picture of an elevator in the Chiado section of Lisbon that is used to move people to the top of a nearby hill. The elevator base is in downtown and top has a ramp walkway that exits at the top of the hill.

Many of the preserved historical buildings in Lisbon are churches. The government did not spend money of perserving sites until the 20th century.

Below is one of the many plazas in downtown Lisbon. All of the plazas have statues, fountains, or historical plaques.

Another well preserved church.

Below is the city as seen from City castle that is built on a hill high above the city.

City viewed from a plaza over looking the Lisbon Harbor

More pictures will follow shortly of some of the palaces and museums.

Mr Big is back from the Hopital. He seems very happy.

He is already trying to get into his food. He is such a moocher.

My Big wishes to thank everyone who sent
their best wishes to him.

Annalee
Mush
Tini
Shigeki
Anne
Jasika
Michele
Neil
That Girl

Gas for trip to the cat hospital: $10
Hospital and Doctor fees: $1733.74
Having a cat that can pee: priceless.

Yikes!! In spite of the meds and the counseling, I still have ADHD. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I never doubted that I still had the symptoms. After all, I am going down the path of trying to change careers and become a writer instead of jumping back into the high pressure world of Information Technology. My treatment makes me better, but it is not a cure.

For the past couple of weeks I have been dealing with the new residents of a recently renovated building across the street. It use to be a single family house, but now spouts two separate condos which were to be sold to single families. The condos didn’t sell, so the corporate owners decided to rent the place to lots of Boston College students. They are noisy, inconsiderate, and at times dangerous. A few nights ago one of my neighbors caught them hitting golf balls at our building and she called the police. Shortly afterwards they put a commercial sign up for a business they were operating out of the condo which is a clear zoning violation.

Concerned about my property value I got involved and sent a letter to the city constituent representative who promptly replied with support. He sent my letter to the zoning department who replied with a letter that made absolutely no sense to me. The author referred to two properties, but my original email only made reference to one. She scheduled for the zoning inspector to come out and look at the signage, but said that he was coming to look at my address and not the property in question. She also said that she looked up the property and it was zoned as a three family dwelling although it is list as a two family.

I was upset at the email. It indicated that I would have a lot more work to do. I would have to convince her that the inspectors were going to the wrong address. I would also have to go down to the zoning office myself to look at the documents to confirm that the zoning was for two and not three family. I replied to her email very cordually. Impulsively, I compose a harsher email back my city representative. I communicated my disappointment in the zoning department’s reply and said that it contain so much incorrect information that I wasn’t sure I trusted any of it. The I went on to say that I wasn’t sure if the zoning inspector either didn’t read my email or had a problem with understanding English. Of course I didn’t intend to send the email as is. I intended to tone it down and make it more concillitory. But instead of saving it I sent it. I forgot that Control-S in email sends the message instead of saving it.

I discovered this error the next morning when I went to edit the message. I sent an apology explaining my mistake, but knew it would be in vain. By Monday the signage was gone from the condo across the street, but I haven’t heard back from my city representative. My guess is I am persona non-gratis.

Having ADHD sucks. I struggle with focus and attention and the difficulty in completing projects. Dealing with administrative matters is often exhausting and overwhelming. But the worst is the pain and embarrassment of the impulsivity and mistakes like this because once done, there is no going back.

I know that a couple of my recent postings have been political in nature, but sometimes I feel like I am still fightly a public opinion battle when it comes to having ADHD. Recently, I found an article on a crusade against mandatory mental health (read that as ADHD) screening in schools which, by the way, I am against. But the arguments used by the crusaders are NOT criticising mandatory testing, they are DEMONIZING the diagnosis and treatment of ADHD.

Below is a link o a document I found the Education Action web site concerning a crusade, lead by Dr. Karen Effrem, against mandatory diagnosis and treatment of Children for “Mental Disorders”, meaning ADHD. The problems is that the arguments she uses against mandatory testing seems to demonize the entire process of diagnosis and treatment of ADHD, which could lead to a backlash against those with the disorder.

First let me say that I am not sure the idea that mandatory screening of children is a good idea. There is a tendency in the medical and community over diagnose conditions that rely on subjective analysis. However, the seven items listed as known facts in Ed Action’s argument are not facts but also subjective statements. While these points of argument help to sway the public away from mandatory screening, they also perpeturate the common belief that mental illness and its treatment is voodoo science and therefore something to be feared.

The damage they are doing with their arguments is, in my opinion, far more damaging than the possible over-prescription of medications to children. The reality of mental illness is that it leads to abuse, and neglect to the very children they are trying to protect.

The arguments demonize our disorders through innuendo that are merely the fodder for their political position. It will damage us all and lead to far greater problems then over medication.. Dr. Karen Effrem’s crusade may be helping prevent mandatory screening, but her arguments are being used by well meaning do-gooders, such as Tom Cruise, to demonize the treatment of all mental disorders including ADHD and chronic depression.

There is no way to prove or disprove any of ther seven arguments, provided below, at this time because the definition of over-diagnosed and over-prescribed is purely subjective. As we know, recent findings of both neurological and genetic evidence of disorders such as ADHD are on the verge of countering their arguments.on subjective diagnosis.

In my opinion, the real issue here is that the medical community, lead by Dr. Effrem, is attacking itself, both on its practices and ethics. Once you get through all of her political rhetoric, Dr. Effrem is say that the medical community cannot be trusted, period and therefore, mandatory diagnosis and treatment is a bad idea. There may be some truth this. Many of us have heard rumors of unethical physicians that prescribe unneeded medications for compensation by the pharmiceudical industry. But rather that raise the issue that her peers may include a a significant number of liars and cheats who can’t be trusted, she chooses to demonize the very people she is sworn to help, i.e. patients with crippling mental disorders such as ADHD. I somehow feel like there is a hidden anti ADHD agenda in there somewhere.

I believe we, as an organization, must voice our opinions on Dr. Efferim’s crusade and the specific arguments she makes against mandatory diagnosis. Otherwise, public opinion might sway against ADHD as a valid disorder and send us back to the time when we thought of as lazy and impulsive losers.

Here is the link to the article:

Protect Children from Coerced Drugging in Public Schools

This is my first post about life with ADD. I am writing it for myself, but I also hope my experience will be helpful to others. Although my father was a Psychiatrist, I never believed that I had any kind of disability or physical disorder that was interfering with my life. I just always assumed that I was a weird person and a total fuck up when it came to learning a new skill or completing a project. I tried to learn a lot of skills as a child such as playing an instrument, competing in sports, or taking on a new hobby, but I always failed. Once I got past the initial excitement, I found the process of practicing or studying too painful to bear. For this reason, I know a little about a lot of subjects, but I was never particularly good at any one of them.

The worst part about my life, was that social interactions made me anxious and wore me out. Often the thought of calling someone and arranging an activity would leave me with feelings of fatigue. School was both boring and exhausting. The effort of focusing my thoughts on school and classmates would leave me emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. Once home from school, I would distract myself from my mental fatigue by watching television or creating daydream fantasy worlds where new skills were learned effortlessly and everyone loved me an wanted to be my friend without much effort on my part.

I was a poor student who received mostly Cs in elementary and high school except in the rare case where the subject could constantly hold my interest, or when I had a epecially interesting teacher. My favorites were the sciences. I did well in biology, and chemisty as long as I didn’t need to study or do problem sets outside of class. I don’t believe I cracked a text book or did a homework set in school until calculus in my senior year. I really wanted to do well in calculus so I could get first year college credit from the Advanced Placement program. Studying calculus was exhausting and painful for me. The ADD made in very hard to keep focused on text books, tests, or problem sets and I often made mistakes that cost me valueable grade points. I did manage to pass the course with a low B and I was managed to place out of first term calculus.

College was even worse than high school. I learned the first semester that graduating from college was not possible without exstensive studying. But keeping up the energy to study every night and make it to class each day was nearly impossible. When I did study or work problem sets, I could never keep a strong enough focus on the material to avoid mistakes. I always got the wrong answer.

After college, the problems with mental fatigue and inability to focus continued to haunt me throughout my work life and career. I always realized that I was very smart in that I have an excellent ability to quickly grasp abstract concepts and generate creative and useful solutions to complex problems. But I never had the ability to follow through on projects. I often lacked the energy to put my ideas down on paper so they could be presented to management as proposals.

The interesting thing about all of my woes, is that it never occurred to me that I might have a disorder. Even when I read about ADD, I didn’t think I fit the description of a typical case. I didn’t think that I was unfocused; I just thought that I was lazy and lacked the resolve to follow things through. In essence, I was convinced that I had a major character flaw and just didn’t have the strength of character to finish things.

Because my teachers and parents help me convinced myself that I lacked strength of characters, a lot of my energy went into hiding my character flaws from colleagues, close friends, and superiors. I became good at withholding important information from by bosses, which also made it impossible to ask for help when I need it. Life was hard and painful. I was constantly anxious and living my life became a arduous. I thought a lot about suicide, but figured I didn’t have the strength of character to follow it through. So I kept on living my miserable life, looking for a way to survive.

That’s all I have time to write for now, but my next posting will describe my ADD epiphany and how my life is suddenly changing.